Sakura Dreams
by KaguraShinra
Summary: After FFVIII, Squall decides to spend some time in Esthar getting to know Laguna however, Laguna is torn between keeping Squall there or sending him away, hoping that somehow, his feelings for Squall will disappear. But does Squall want them to?


Sakura Dreams

Kagura Kyo Shinra

Warning: This is a shounen-ai story. That means it has to guys in it who are all in love and stuff, so if you don't like that kind of stuff, I suggest you don't read it. It also has incest. (Laguna and Squall to be precise.)

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters or anything associated with Final Fantasy. sigh

The aching happiness of what should have been woke him once more from the dream he was locked into every night. The haunting beauty of Winhil in spring when the cherry blossoms were in full, and there were so many that the ground looked as though it were covered with a light covering of pink snow. But the winter always returned, and the flowers died just as the dream always faded into nothing, and Laguna Loire found himself alone in his cold room with nothing more than a memory of a vague dream to keep him company.

Laguna sat up. Although he was cold, his face was covered in sweat, and it dripped onto his sheet, covering his bed with a salty stain. The sun had not yet peaked over the Estharian mountains that protected Esthar from the rest of the world, but never from his unfulfilled past.

Somebody knocked on his door, and he lied down quickly, trying to pretend he was asleep. The door creaked open, and somebody lightly walked across the room. His bed sank, and the body heat of somebody flowed into him. A quick burst of courage rushed through Laguna, and he peaked an eye open to see who it was. In the dark room he could see the silhouette of his only son, Squall Leonhart.

Laguna closed his eyes again quickly, and silently prayed for Squall to leave, and never come back. It was too hard for him to see him everyday and not be able to hold him the way he wanted to, not be able to kiss him the way he wanted to. Why should a father not hug and kiss his son, he often wondered, but then, like the sudden dawning of a terrible truth, he remembered that his love for Squall came from the wrong place inside his heart. He was blind. His eyes could not look at Squall and see his child, they could only see love, the same love he had felt for Raine. It was his punishment for not choosing that other life.

He had thought, had hoped, that if he brought Squall to live with him for a time he would begin to see something inside of him that was not inherently Raine. He believed that having his son so close everyday would force him to see Squall only as a son, but the plan had come back on Laguna, and he saw Squall less and less as his son, and more as a lover.

"Are you awake," Squall whispered, his breath warming the cool air surrounding Laguna. "You had that dream again. I don't know what it's about, but it must end horribly, because you always wake with a scream."

It was not the way the dream ended that brought Laguna into a screaming fit every night, but merely that it ended at all.

Squall's warm hand lightly brushed the sticky hair away from Laguna's forehead, and Laguna was broken, he could not keep his eyes shut, could not keep himself from the pure reward of seeing that perfect face. He opened his eyes, and they were immediately locked with Squall's.

"What are you doing here?" he asked trying to sound as though he had just woken up.

"What do you dream about?" Squall asked.

Laguna studied his son's face. It always amassed him at how much Squall had changed since their first meeting. And, although he still had trouble with these types of situations, the important thing was that he was growing everyday and right before Laguna's eyes.

"I can't ever remember," Laguna lied.

"You're a horrible liar," Squall said. "People do say it helps to talk about thing," Squall strained.

"All this, from you?" Laguna asked curiously.

He sat up again, uncovered himself and swung his legs off the bed so he was sitting directly beside Squall.

"I do try," Squall mumbled.

Laguna had a desire to lie again and tell Squall he really didn't remember, but something about the pale blue eyes watching him so carefully in the shallow light made him want to tell Squall everything, or maybe he was just touched at Squall's attempt to comfort.

"It's a recurring dream, but it's gotten worse since you've been here. I always dream about what it would have been like if I would have stayed in Winhil and if your mother wouldn't have died. I think it would have been nice." He said it all with a weak smile, as though it really didn't bother him that much.

Squall sat silently staring at the calluses on his strong hands. He had defeated so many with those hands, but this was this kind of battle that really scared him.

"I've thought about those things too. I guess all of us orphans did. It's hard not to wonder what your life would have been like if things had been different, but you can't dwell on it."

Squall was clearly having a hard time speaking, but Laguna sat quietly in awe at the gentleness the young man had been able to produce.

"The path you took was one of many," Squall continued. "But you can't look back and start to think that things would have been better any other way because then it's saying that the decisions you made and the path you took was a waste, and that's worse than any mistake you might have made in the past."

Squall's face turned a light shade of pink, and he stood up. "I think I'm going back to bed."

Laguna didn't say anything, he didn't want to ruin the clear and perfect moment. He mealy lied back down and closed his eyes, wanting to fall asleep with the feeling of Squall's kindness still floating around him.

When the morning finally came, Laguna was worried Squall would avoid him from embarrassment, but he had been wrong. Squall made it a point to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner with his father. By the evening, Laguna had to sneak away to the beach to get a moment alone. The time with Squall was wonderful, but it was also painful.

Spring nights in Esthar couldn't be compared with anything else. Only the cool breeze on a warm spring night and the silver glow of moonlight on the deep blue ocean could make Laguna feel any sign of peace. Behind him was a life full of mistakes that he could never take back and never forget, but something about that cloudless, starlit beach could take all the regrets out of Laguna mind.

There was a time when he would run there forget the mistake he thought was his biggest, Raine. A young woman full of life, trapped in a marriage with a missing husband. He'd never been around. "There'd be plenty of time to spend with her, later," he had told himself every time he left her alone, but later never came. He might not have been to blame for her death, but how it must have ached to die all alone.

But now there was a new regret for him to run from. He was so afraid to be a father, especially a single father. To numb the pain, he had told himself that Squall would have turned out even worse than he did if Laguna had raised him. He should have been there as a father for him, but he ran from it, and now everything was askew.

"Laguna!"

Not that, anything but that sweet voice.

Laguna gave a half glance behind him, and felt his heart expand. Squall was heading his way in a rather awkward sort of walk due to the mixture of boots and loose sand.

"Jeez," Squall gasped when he finally reached Laguna. "You wouldn't think walking could be such a workout."

"You're just not use to walking on the beach," Laguna chattered nervously.

Squall shook his head, and dozens of pink petals fell. Laguna caught some in his hand.

"Sorry, I got a little lost on my way here. I didn't know Esthar had cherry blossoms."

"They aren't native. I planted them to remind me of home."

"Did it work?"

"Did they make me happy with this life?"

"Yeah."

Laguna looked at the handful of petals he had caught then up at Squall.

"I think, maybe there are some good things in this life that I would have never felt in the other."

The wind caught Laguna's petals and carried them out to the ocean where they disappeared into the vast darkness.

"Laguna, I wanted to say goodbye. I'm heading back for Garden. It's been a great vacation, but I've got to get back to work," Squall said.

"So soon, I thought you'd stay longer?" Laguna asked, growing rather annoyed at the knowledge that Squall would be gone.

"I thought I would be too, but something's come up," he said quietly.

"What's come up?" Laguna was almost outraged, but he hid it well.

The idea of Squall leaving had been perfect in theory, but now that it was happening, it was something he didn't want to imagine. There was no way he was going to just let the young boy walk out of his life. If this was the life he was going to have then he was going to make everything count.

"Quistis has informed me that we're losing business because I've spent so much time here, and people think that we've become Esthar's personal army," Squall said as though he was reading it off of a cue card.

"That's not a reason," Laguna almost shouted. "That's a lie. People are going to think all kind of things when they find out you're my son."

"Don't say that again! I'm tired of hearing you say it! I'm not telling anybody you're my father, and you're not going to either!"

Squall's hand was on his gunblade. Laguna was on his feet in an instant. He was glad that his instincts were still intact because he had no inclination that Squall would respond so wildly to his simple statement.

"That's the way it is, Squall." He looked at Squall's hand on the gunblade. "What are you going to do, attack me? I might be older, but I've never forgotten how to defend myself. I don't think you'd win so easily."

"Whatever!"

Squall unleashed Lionhart and lifted it into the air. He swung it with fierce power, but it completely missed it's target, and there was a blinding blow to his stomach. Lionhart flew out of his hands and cut into the wet sand a dozen feet away. Squall hit the ground with a soft thud against the dry sand.

"I thought you were a gun specialist," Squall groaned.

Laguna held his hand out to his son. "In the army we don't only learn one mode of defense. Firearms are just my favorite. Only a fool enters a fight with no knowledge on hand to hand combat."

Squall took his hand. "Then I guess a lot of people at Garden, including most of us who defeated Ultemicia, are fools."

He yanked on Laguna's arm and pulled him to the ground. They struggled for a few seconds, each trying to get the upper hand. By the end, neither had won. They lied on their backs gasping for air.

"That's one of the things I wanted to do ever since I first dreamt about you," Squall laughed.

Laguna turned his head so he could see him. Squall's face was almost beaming.

"So that's how somebody gets you to smile," Laguna joked. "Beat the crap out of you."

"You didn't beat the crap out of me."

"Then get up."

Squall struggled to move, but he couldn't find the strength.

"I don't want to right now."

They both broke out in laughter, and somehow found the strength to sit up.

"What's the other thing you wanted to do to me when you first dreamt about me?" Laguna asked suddenly remembering what Squall had said earlier.

"Oh, nothing." Squall's face turned bright red, and he looked away. "I didn't know you were my father when I first saw you, you know, and it's still hard to remember that."

"I know what you mean," Laguna sighed. "I have a hard time thinking of you as my son."

He stood up and held a hand out for Squall. Squall took it, but didn't get up. He stared at his father from under his eyelashes, looking more like a little boy than he ever did when he was at the orphanage. His face burned red, and his body shivered.

"What do you think of me as then?" His voice quivered.

Laguna was beaten. He didn't have the strength to look into that angelic face and lie ever again.

Instead of helping Squall up, he felt his body fall down beside the young man. Without saying anything he caught Squall's face in his hand, and pressed their lips together. Squall's body fell against his and his arms wrapped around Laguna. Just when Laguna thought he would pass out, he felt Squall pull away.

"There's the other thing," Squall said through moist lips. "Well, almost," he added coyly.

He grabbed Laguna's waist and pulled him until he was lying above Squall on the soft golden sand. Laguna's fingers entangled with Squall's thick brown locks, and he kissed his son's forehead gently.

"It could have been different," Laguna said warmly. "But this is good too."

Squall smiled again and squeezed Laguna's neck with his palm. He let his hand drop until it was resting over Laguna's heart.

"It's the only way it can be, but they'd never understand it if they knew who you really were," Squall whispered.

"Who said they have to know?"

Laguna pressed his body against Squall's. From behind them, he could hear the powerful ocean as it beat against the shore in a soft and caressing motion again and again in a never ending cycle. Above them, a wind from the orchard blew, dropping a shower of pink petals as it passed.

Owari

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Sirius Black ga sukidesu yo!


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